The horror that is bikini season is upon us. I save the public’s vision by not participating since I’ve had four kids trample through my stretched out body and instead wanted to know more about my fat. We’re frenemies after all!
The human fat cell is basically like the Force, there are a dark side and good side. They’re vital to your health by transporting oxygen to every part of your body. They are also the chemically active part of your cell membranes – so without them, nothing works. They are capable of keeping good fat and bad fat. I stopped when I read this part – you mean my fat is communicating with other fat cells? Or talking to my stomach? So they can turn on me and keep the bad fat letting my butt become a small continent or my arms becoming all, well, flappy? What, do they like, tweet or something?
Thighfatcell34: “Stomach! Tell her to eat it! It’s fat! That donut is HUGE!”
Buttcell788: “SEND THE FAT THIS WAY!!”
BackfatSally3: “Did you see her scarf that down?!?”
Stomach071: “Well get the whole dozen, Darkside!”
Buttcell55: “WE GET IT ALL! Cellulite ready!”
BackfatSally3: “Not unless we get it first! We have rolls to fill!”
Then, Battle-Ass Gigantica starts – cells doing battle over where the fat will go – hanging stomach or extra chin? What those cells don’t realize is that the bad fat is sneaky – it’s unrecognizable to them as the dark side. Cells are incapable of dealing with them once they are there and replace the good fats. The dark side ensues and suddenly you look in the mirror one day and realize you did inherit, gasp, your mother’s sinking buttocks!
BackFat6: “Keep fighting!!! The butt will not win!”
Midtire92: “We’re swooping in Backfat!!! Back off or we will fire!”
BackFat6: “Fire what stupid? We’re fat cells, not warriors.”
ThighCell54: “AHHH!!! Bad fat! I’m hit!”
Buttcell55: “Buttcell down! Buttcell down! Transfat taking over….”
Buttcell83: “55? 55? Where are you? Trans/sat fat targeted! Oh man, it’s taking over!”
Yoda#1: “Tran/saturated fat is the path to the Dark side. Fats lead to big pants. Big pants lead to fashion disaster. Fashion disaster leads to suffering in sexy elastic. May the bad fat not be with you.”
Thighcell43: “Who the f*&K was that?”
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